Friday, October 25, 2013

One Year...


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One year ago today I lost my baby girl at 39 weeks and 5 days. I found out I lost her at my last sonogram before my appointment to be induced two days later. During that sonogram her heartbeat wasn’t there, my life at that moment would change forever. During the last 365, I have gone through every emotion you can't imagine, unless you have been there. Its been the hardest year of my life but the take-away from this all is that I am now very aware of how humans react to sad or bad news.  I'll explain.

While pregnant I worked and lived in New York City. In NYC you cannot escape people, which meant that the people I saw on the subway morning after morning knew I was pregnant. The doorman down the street who would remind me to "walk slow" knew I was pregnant. The man who sat on the steps who lived in the halfway house and who would smile daily and say, "you can do this!" knew I was pregnant. Everyone from my grocery lady to the guy who I got my coffee from knew and would ask me about when the big day was. So, it’s not a surprise that after I delivered my beautiful stillborn I had major anxiety about how I was going to handle these questions when they saw me next.

I returned back to work three short weeks after I delivered and asked my supervisor to please, please let my coworkers know what happened so I could avoid some of the heartache with answering questions. The second I walked onto the floor I was greeted with a "CARRIE!!! YOU'RE BACK SO EARLY! I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE PICS OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL!" My world went blank and I just crumbled. I told her the truth, she gave me "the face," said she was so sorry and walked away from me in a hurry because she felt so badly for me. I spent most of that day in the bathroom crying. First thing I learned was that people want to avoid bad news, no matter what, even if it meant literally running away from it. I was devastated that my managers ignored my requests to tell my co-workers. I heard they thought it was too personal which is of course a convenient justification to turn and run away from it. I do not blame my work, thankfully this sort of thing does not happen often, I just don’t think many knew how to deal with it. So, I spent the next three weeks dealing with people asking me the usual questions daily. Talk about hard. However, I got dressed every morning, put on a brave face and handled it during work hours and would cry every night, letting my emotions catch up with me. It sucked. For the record, when I told my coffee cart guy, he gave me a hug and a free coffee and told me, "she must have been beautiful" with a smile. THAT is how you handle bad/sad news. 

When I say "the face", I'll try to explain what I mean. Its when you tell someone such unbelievable and unexpected news that they jet their heads back, open their eyes wide, eyebrows up and make a horrified face.  Almost like you smell really badly and as if they want to run the other direction. I understand the involuntary reflex of a facial expression, I do. But what you do next is what really matters, meaning some actually have turned and walked away from me only writing me an email later expressing how sorry they were.  Many do that because they just don’t know what to say. Some people would go into loooooong stories about bad things that have happened to loved ones or themselves. I had one woman tell me about her abortion. I learned to look at them but not listen. I didn't necessarily understand this approach they were using to my bad news.

The other bit of human behavior I would get was the clichés. Oh do I HATE clichés. "I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, Carrie". Oh REALLY!? What was the reason? Have one? Me neither... wrong thing to say. "She's in a better place" or "be strong". In fact, a better place for my daughter would be with me, and no, I don’t want to be strong. Frankly, what does ‘being strong’ really even mean? Does it mean ‘get over it so I can avoid the awkwardness’? I just want to cry and dissolve, I’ve gone through something traumatic, let me.


I in no way hold any hurt or bad feelings towards co-workers. We’re all ill-equipped and a little emotionally stunted with really terrible and shocking news. Some didn’t even know me that well, so I totally understood the behavior. I think the most disappointing and upsetting was not hearing from my friends that were pregnant at the same time or ones that have kids. Some people stopped talking to me all together. I was left out of baby showers, announcements, birthdays, etc. I understand the thought process of it... don't upset the girl who had a stillborn. But, I'm still your friend. I still love babies. I have a heart that can still be happy for friends, so let ME decide if I want to attend your baby shower, send a gift or respond to your announcement. Don't cut me out or make me feel any less of a person than I already do. I can't exactly explain how horrible it made me feel when I would find out or hear of a friend’s happy news that I was intentionally not told. All because my baby didn't survive, I was being punished by being left out of my friend’s happiness. During this year is when I NEEDED my friends to be nice to me, talk to me or include me. THANKFULLY I had a few that stuck by me thick and thin and for that, I owe them the world.

Last but not least, I AM a mother. I carried that 8-pound little girl full term, I had a normal birth, I had grueling contractions, stretch marks on my stomach and a normal 9 month pregnancy. I did everything exactly the same as all the rest of the mothers out there with living babies, so why do I feel like I have to hide her? When someone off the street or people I just met asks me, "do you have children?" What should I say?  In that second I have to decide if I'm going to be truthful or lie. Let's break it down... if I tell the truth, I run the risk of "the face", upsetting the person, a reaction that I'm not ready for or brushing me off entirely, as if, “why did you put this on me?” If I lie, I feel that horrible guilt of denying that little baby I love so much. Do you see my dilemma? I wish I could scream it to the world that THINGS HAPPEN and if I want to share that yes, I did have a child, but, she didn't survive, I should be entitled to stating the facts.



So, after all this, what is the best way to handle someone who has had a stillborn or lost a child?

Love them.

Check in on them.

Listen to them.

Ask them how they are doing.

Ask them how they are feeling.

Ask them what the hardest part is.

Encourage them to share. 

Let them know that they can be angry and that this isn't fair.

Tell them they can take ALL the time they need.

Hug them.

Then after all that, call, email, gchat or show up tomorrow and do it all over again or as often as you can.

Now... back to the way you know me... happy, fun and full of life. I'm still that girl, I promise. I'm just a whole lot more aware that bad things DO happen, and when and if they do to someone I know (which I truly hope they do not) I'm going to do whatever I can to not repeat what I went through and continue to endure.  
 
xoxo, C

**we were told by our doctors at NY Presbyterian that there is 1 stillbirth to every 1,000 live births. To me, that number seems high. So, it does happen more than you would ever care to think about. 

Friday Tunes



Y.A.L.A.
By MIA 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Wednesday Wants - Gold Rings

I love gold. Every piece of jewelry I wear is gold -- aside from my silver wedding band. I just love the color, I love the look and it matches my pasty skin and blond hair. I also love how it can look dainty and classy, as well as totally gangsta, depending on the piece. Gold just gets me.

In honor of gold, here are my fave gold rings of the moment:

1. Catbird - Adjustable Arrow Right
2. VeraMeat - French Kiss
3. Ottoman Hands - Roman Coin and Turquoise Ring
4. Miss Ellie Rings - R175
5. House of Harlow 1960 - Keyboard Wrap Ring
6. Melinda Maria - Gwyneth 2R Ring Gold Turquoise
7. Gorjana Griffin - Kensington Ring
8.  Shop Bop - Yiizh Spiral Twist Ring
9. Club Monaco - Monique Stacking Ring
10. Marc by Marc Jacobs - Modern Ring

Am I missing any that I NEEEEEEEEEED to see!?


Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Weekend WrapUp


Hi! This weekend will go down in the books as EPIC! I had such an amazing time, I can barely stop smiling today. What happened? Well, I'll tell you. We got tickets to Arcade Fire's CD release party in Bushwick (a neighborhood of Brookly, NY)!!  so we drove to DC on Friday night, dropped our dog off at my parents and took a 6am flight up to NYC Saturday morning. We watched football and drank some beers with my sister at Village Pour House and then hit up the show at 299 Meserole for probably the best costume party in my life! In order to enter you had to either be dressed in formal wear or costume. Because of the album's name, "Reflecktors" I wore a broken glass masquerade mask and Scottie wore a silver creep mask while wearing all black. We did well.

The Reflecktors, "formally known as Arcade Fire" (according to them) debuted their new CD and wow, you're going to love it. I'll leave it there for you all to enjoy and I'll put out my fave song in a Friday Tunes in two weeks. They sound incredible and after their set James Murphy DJ'd and Win Butler came out and danced with everyone. Like I said, epic!

After Saturdays mind blowing time, we did brunch on Sunday and saw some friends in Brooklyn that evening and laughed the night away. The 6am train to DC on Monday morning was awful but, looking back on our very last minute crazy weekend... it was ALL worth it!


Arcade Fire playing on a stage that looked like my senior prom

Sorry for the quality of pictures, last thing on our minds were taking pics. Our costumes.


I have missed you, NYC!

Things I Now Can't Live Without



Have you ever heard of The Lip Scrub? If not, please be prepared to buy and really love!

This time of year my lips get  chapped, split or just not so nice. For me, winter cold and my lips, just don't mix. That was until I found this amazing product, the lip scrub. If you have lip issues, like me, you should really give it a go. The little pot lasts a very long time and really, your lips will thank you!


you can buy it from Amazon here.


Thursday, October 17, 2013

Grand Budapest Hotel

Are there any other Wes Anderson fans out there who read this blog? I for one am a massive one!
Here are a few of my absolute favorites from his arsenal: Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, Moonrise Kingdom.

His dry humor, color schemes, character development and feast for the eyes make him one of my most favorite directors in Hollywood.

So, its no wonder that I cannot WAIT for this movie to come out: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Fg5iWmQjwk

(for some reason I can't get the link to show up in the post. Forgive) 

 
"I like your nurse's uniform, guy."


"He does watercolors. Mostly landscapes but a few nudes."

"That's the last time you put a knife in me! Y'hear me?"
Thanks, Tom for sending me the trailer link.

Thursday's Wow

Awesomely Creative.

Aerial Fasion Mashups - Joseph Ford
(via)


Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Wednesday Wants - Hotels


I love to travel, but in the last few years I really haven't much because, well, WE MOVE SO MUCH!

I put a list together of hotels that Ive had my eye on for a while or even for a short time, that I would love to visit one day. The hotels below are also long shots in regards to prices per night, so it would have to be a really, really special occasion.

Sometimes I like to "window travel" and pretend-book amazing vacations and then never pull the trigger. I put all the information I find in a word document and save, in the hopes we go one day. The world is large, I have time and I WILL explore!


1. **Charleston, SC  - Market Pavilion
2. Telluride, CO - Hotel Telluride
3. Canyon Point, Utah - Amangiri 
4. Portland, OR - The Nines
5. Napa, CA - Auberge de Soleil
6. St. Michaels - Inn at Perry Cabins
7. Savannah, Georgia - Foley House
8. *Brooklyn, NY - Wythe Hotel
9. *Seville, Spain Hotel Alfonso
10. North Carolina - My house. :) I'll post pics next week -- I'm finally finishing it up. :)

*means that I have been before
**means that I actually have it booked for this year! 

Any hotels that you absolutely love that I should know about? Let me know!

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Weekend WrapUp


I loved this weekend! We had my brother's family down and we did North Carolina right -- in my opinion at least. We did the Dixie Classic and saw some ridiculousness in regards to sideshows, tractor races, tigers, pigs and rifle shooting. It was a good bucket list cross off in regards to that one. Not sure I'd go again. :)

We then headed to a corn field maze that was 3.3 miles of corn stalks! I loved it and we had a blast trying to get through it. I think it took us about 45 minutes!!

I love having family visit.

Scottie is a little mad I snapped the pic of him getting funnel cake for little Nico.

We broke the gumball head mural in Winston!

The Maize Maze. Yes, I really am that pale AND I may have made a massive mistake in dying my hair what I thought was "medium blonde" which came out to reddish brown. HATE IT!

Kirberican Gothic.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Thursday's Wow

Baby cages used to ensure that children get enough fresh air and sunlight when living in an apartment building, ca. 1937
(via

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Wednesday Wants - TOTES

Last week it was boots.

This week it's totes!

Here are my faves right now:

1. West Elm Tote - Going to Market (I actually bought this one)
2. World Market - Kilim Tote Bag
3. Maptote - I should get the NC one!
4. Society 6 - Bear Tote
5. Cafe Press - Market Bag
6. Urban Outfitters - Feather tote
7. Valentino - Glam Reversable Canvas Tote (ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!)
8. Steve Madden - Studded Tote
9. Etsy - Fresh Market Bag
10. Asos - Talented Totes

I kinda want them all - except that Valentino, I mean, that is just crazy.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Carrie's Canteen

What's on the menu this week at my house?

Monday - we had baked "fried" chicken (I'll post this recipe this month - so good, so easy, so much less fat than traditional fried chicken.)
Tuesday - crock pot enchiladas
Wednesday - left over enchilada chicken baked in a casserole dish with rice, beans, tostidos, tomatoes, onions and lettuce
Thursday - Skirt steak with roasted peppers
Friday - DATE NIGHT

Speaking of what to make for dinner... I wanted to point out a friends blog cutely named, Keys to the Cucina. She has some really yummy recipes and then pairs a song to listen to while cooking! Just LOVE that idea.  As a food and music lover, this blog is now one of my favorites. She is also a very talented musician herself and you can listen to her music on the link labeled "hear me". I personally like If Only I Knew.

you can click the pic to go to her blog. Isn't she just the cutest?



I wish Alexe all the best with her wonderful new blog and hope you too now enjoy following. I'm TOTALLY making that pumpkin risotto next week!

**Alexe did not ask me to post this on my blog. I am doing this on my own because I genuinely like her blog and think she is a very talented, beautiful and creative young woman who deserves success and support.

Weekend WrapUp

This was me pretty much all weekend. I was/am dealing with a hell of a cold or flu and am OVER it. So, I just slept on the couch all weekend while Husb watched hours and hours of football. He didn't complain and Mack, well, Mack slept a lot too.



Monday, October 7, 2013

No Sleepyheads here - Eyes were like Candles!

After living in LA, DC, Philly and NYC we were very used to seeing some amazing shows and have had some incredible opportunities to see some of our absolute favorites at super small venues. So, to say we are a bit jaded of big acts is an understatement. That's why when we saw that Passion Pit - one of our most favorite bands - was playing in our little town, we were floored and bought tickets immediately!!

We showed up at a warehouse type deal at the edge of town and the energy was so fun to be apart of. The sold out show had everyone SO excited that Passion Pit was actually playing in Winston-Salem. I mean, I think I heard that said at least 50 times before they came on stage! Most people here have to drive an hour and a half to Charlotte or Raleigh to see a big show, so having to drive or walk 10 minutes was a huge deal to many. Passion Pit put on an awesome show and it was so refreshing to see people genuinely happy, dancing and thankful for a band to be here. I loved it and loved watching the crowd have an unforgettable night.





Friday, October 4, 2013

Friday Tunes

Such a great song - makes me want to get up and travel the world, again. 
 


Have a great weekend, friends